Some times suicidal sociopath with anxiety?

Well long story short there is something seriously wrong with me. I don't sleep meaning . . literally I lay in bed awake all night in somewhat of a drowzy state. I can't go to bars or places where there there are people drinking because I was abused by alcoholics my whole life. My body goes into panic mode when I'm put into a situation I've not planned for. Last but not least I don't have normal emotions. The extent of my feelings go from I like something a lot to I don't like it and want it to go away. . . I have a girlfriend that loves me and would do anything for me and I feel horrible that I can't love her back they way she feels. It is a fact I would've killed myself by now if it werent for the not wanting her to be unhappy about it. Not for the dramatic reasons like "no one understands me" or the standard reasons. Just because it's logical, I'm going to die anyway, and I'm not enjoying life. In every situation just about my heart races, and I don't know how I'm sopposed to act around people who feel things. I'm uncomfortable at family parties half because I don't know how to act "normal" and half because I don't want them to catch on I don't feel how they feel. I set my goals on making a lot of money; but even now that it seems like a real possibility I don't even care about that. When I think about going through this for another 60 years I get even more disgusted at life. The other me is fun and always has to be the best. The other me has 2 cats he enjoys and treats his girlfriend like gold. The other me wants to value life. I've sometime done ill moral things which caused people to hate me and or be out to get me because I have no guilt. I know when I hurt or take advantage of people, and it does not make me happy. I try to avoid it so they are not unhappy. I feel like I'm always under attack and I just want to excape. I can't hold down a standard job because I'f im miserable to begin with why be miserable at work. To avoid a job I started trading currencies in an apartment where I just realized, I don't really leave. I was not always like this. I mean to say I never had true feelings like others but I also didn't have this anxziety. If something goes wrong my heart races, and I'm panicing on the inside. Anylizing a situation from every angle for hours and hours on end. I'll miss most of a movie while stairing at the screen because I was thinking. I can't change that I don't feel and in fact it even has benefits but I want to stop my heart from racing. There are even deeper aspects of this. I HAVE to avoid physical confrontations because of my wanting to make things go away when I don't like them. I can control my life for the most part. I just need something to stop the anxziety and make my body stop freaking out. Am I trying to feel but the signals get messed up? Don't write me back saying see a doctor, I know, nones beleaves or quite comprends whats in my head. How could they? I don't even. I do not beleave in god but I have considered going to church and doing the whole "finding jesus" thing. People claim it helps them. So to cap it up.. No emotions- fine, can't sleep- fine, I'll have more time to do things. The main issue is I'll be fine one minute, and at the flick of a switch my body crashes, I want to cry hysterically out of confusion, I don't know what to do, and want to run for something to end life and excape. Can I either meditate or get a prescription?